The Heart of Coaching

Human Practices that Connect Us - Part III

7. Peace/serenity/acceptance. These ideas relate closely to number 4 above. The Christian bible offers the “serenity prayer” as a way to find peace by focusing on the things you might change in your life. How many among us are too often engaged in meddling where we don’t belong or in trying to change other people? In recovery circles that call that “working on the wrong side of the street.” Do you know anyone who got married and believed they could change their spouses? Odds are they are not married today.

a. What things in your life do you obsess about, wishing and hoping that they will change or be changed?

b. What aspects of others (opinions, behaviors) really bug you and make you crazy?

c. How might you work “on your own side of the street” and have a positive impact on yourself by expanding how you see things, not spending so much time in making others wrong, and exploring the range of options you have in how you respond?

8. Connectedness/empathy/rapport. Our ability to be “in rapport” seems to stem from our willingness to stop judging what is wrong with others, and start looking for what we can value in them. Finding compassion in our heart – that opens up true empathy – opens the door to creating high levels of connection. When this is present between people, the natural goodwill can come to the surface and create a strong foundation for working through the tough times and tough conversations that are necessary between healthy, high-functioning people.

a. Who in my life do I judge? Am I willing to see them as “innocent” and forgive them? If not, what do I get from holding onto that judgment?

b. How do I naturally get into rapport with people? What are the things I know how to do already?

c. Who can I consciously and deliberately create more rapport and connection with? What would be the payoff for US if that were to happen?

9. Trust/benefit of doubt/trustworthiness. The currency of leadership is trust. Without trust, we all are lost. With it, we can get through almost anything. Most people come from one line of thinking that believes trust is given. Others believe that it is earned. Perhaps we do not have to stay locked into the world of duality believing it is an “either/or” proposition. Maybe it is both. Maybe trust and trustworthiness go hand in hand. Maybe it is less about waiting for people to prove themselves to us than it is about giving the gift of trust – and goodwill – and support – and the benefit of our personal doubt – and seeing what miracle comes out of that fresh way of seeing people.

a. Who do I not trust and for what reason? Am I willing to forgive them and start seeing that they reflect part of myself back to me?

b. What can I learn about myself through paying attention to how I think and feel about others?

c. What behaviors can I focus upon that make me as trustworthy as possible to others?

Human Practices that Connect Us - part II

4. Surrender/acceptance/embracing. Buddhists insightfully describe suffering as seeing how things are and wishing they were different. More time spent in surrendering and accepting things exactly how they are is exactly the path to ending suffering. That does not mean that we stop working for meaningful change. We suffer less along the way, and are better able to embrace fully what is. We end up being more clear-headed in the process.

            a. What parts of myself do I reject or wish were NOT me?

            b. What around me do I continue to deny they are or exist the way they are?

c. What “surrendering” practices might I embrace that would allow me to be more at peace with my life, the world, and how things are in the world?

5. Gratitude/appreciation/gratefulness. These ideas build from those in number 2 above. How can we come to “want what we have” vs. “wanting what we do not have.” I suppose it is normal to want things, but obsessing over the things (usually) we do not have is what leads to unrest, suffering, and unthinking reactions.

a. What are the things and who are the people in our lives we could bring to mind that have contributed in a positive way, and that, if we stop for a moment, we are grateful for?

b. What are the skills and talents of my co-workers that they contribute to the team and me, and that I genuinely appreciate about them?

c. How can I begin sharing more gratitude for all the experiences this life offers me?

6. Joy/bliss/passion. When are remove and/or heal the wounds and obstacles that many experiences in our life have created, it is said that what we are left with is our natural state of joy and bliss, and passion. That makes sense to me.

a. When was the last time you genuinely felt joyful? What were you doing? Who were you with?

b. What unhealed wounds do you have that keep you from experiencing more of your natural passion and zest for life?

c. What actions can you take that will provide more of these experiences?

Human Practices that Connect Us

During extra-ordinary times like these, stronger than usual stresses and strains pull on us from all directions. It is easy to get caught up in the economic trauma of the day, and potentially lose sight of who we are, and what is truly important to us. These ideas below are a compilation of wisdom coming to us from all corners of this planet. They include spiritual awareness practices, states of mind, levels of thinking, and wellness and life balance practices that have been around for a long time. They represent “practices” – covering both the “beingness” and “doingness” side of our life experiences.

The meta-framework for me that informs my point-of-view is most significantly the work of Cheri Huber, an American Zen Buddhist monk. Cheri is a prolific writer that makes eastern spiritual practice understandable by the western mind. The central message of Cheri’s work is how “ego-centric conditioning” completely blinds us to our spiritual experiences and keeps us in various states of suffering. It is only in getting back to our natural “center” – through an awareness practice – will we able to enjoy the broader dimensions of the life we were meant to live. Further, we are not human beings having spiritual experiences – we are spiritual beings having human experiences.

Especially during these troubling times, some of these ideas may help to reground us so that we might offer more of who we are to others we care about. They are a grouped listing – a family – of related ideas, plus a set of reflective questions that might serve to deepen your ability and willingness to utilize them for your own life. For all of us working in organizations and living in families during these times, it is a time when we need to summon the best of who we are. They are offered with the spirit of supporting the reader in becoming grounded, or maybe getting re-grounded when we lose our way. Here are the first three of ten to follow in BLOGS for December…

1. Attention/presence/awareness. Life presents us many opportunities to practice awareness. When we can be attentive to what is going on within us and around us, we are more fully present to the deep and rich experiences that life offers us. We are usually more able to see the bigger picture and understand our part in co-creating our life’s experiences.

            a. How is my life different when I am fully present and in-the-moment?

b. What (or whom) do I need to be paying attention to that I have been ignoring?

c. What habits (ignoring, denial, staying too busy) do I have that obstruct my ability to be present?

2. Respect/honor/reverence. These principles might be described as the way we come to “hold” our life experiences. When we deeply value our own life experiences, then we better come to respect differences in others, and honor the unique gifts they bring to our family or organization. The opposites might be judgment, disdain and criticism. Those dynamics – when present – usually block the good feelings that come from revering, honoring, and respecting.

            a. What values, ideas and skills do I most honor in myself and others?

            b. How do I feel when locked in judgment of others or being judged by others?

            c. What is one thing I might do to minimize self-judgment?

3. Intention/purpose/mission. These ideas group the basic elements of our directional system. One could add ‘goals’ to the list. They serve to focus our attention on where we are going, and what kind of family or workplace we want to create. They set up considerations on how we will conduct ourselves along the way.

a. What is my life’s purpose or mission? Why am I here? What unique contribution am I to accomplish that maybe no one else is able to do?

b. What outcomes do I hope for or expect that are different than they are today?

c. What do I want people to say about me after I am gone?

Coaching Cultures During Times Like These

"The Heart of Coaching" was written to provide leaders and their teams a universal, systematic, and pragmatic way of creating coaching relationships, and then planning and conducting coaching conversations that ended up serving both the coach and the coachee. When it first appeared 10 years ago, the world never contemplated such times as we are experiencing today. The emotional stresses brought about by the economic meltdown are immense and far reaching.

It is precisely during times of emotional stress and deep human challenges that the core skills of coaching come into play. In "normal" times, it is difficult enough to build trusting relationships and hold helpful coaching conversations based in candid feedback that actually led to enhanced business results. Overlay the current context of what is going on in today's global for-profit businesses and not-for-profit communities, and you have a powder keg of emotional energy that can bring people down further.

What people need during times like these is resilience - the ability to bounce back from and effectively deal with the negative events of the times. That often begins with having people around you being willing to listen.

At the heart of a "coaching culture" are people acting as coaches for one another. They CHOOSE to respond with compassion. When leaders and teammates engaging in a coaching conversation have both the capacity and willingness to respond to their colleagues with heartfelt listening, empathy, and a sincere desire to be helpful, they can change everything for their coachee. We directly work with empathy in our coaching workshops as a natural expression of one's Emotional Intelligence, and propose that empathy does not mean one necessarily agreeing with their coachee - but being able to relate to their human experience - and to do that without blame, criticism, or judgment.

These times call forth the very best of us as human beings, and remind us to come from caring, compassionate concern. This is one significant way we can maintain the tone of hopefulness as we wade through these rough waters together.

Tom Crane, author, "The Heart of Coaching", Crane Consulting, www.craneconsulting.com